over fore it started

I don't have the energy to answer emails or questions or to explain. all I know is that I'll be home april 30. please be at the airport and hug me and never let go and say that everything's gonna be alright, cause right now I feel like the biggest failure in history. I've never before been at this place in my life, where I have absolutely no idea where to live, what to do, where to go.

my life has never been more surreal. to have a total blackout is scary. to wake up and to not know what's going on is scary. to walk around in a hospitalgown around people that have nothing and everything in common with you is weird and revealing . to cry as much as I cried today makes you tired. to pack down your room and realize how much you built in four months is hard. 4 months passed by so fast, yet it feels like a lifetime. everything has changed. I've cherished every day and this is still the best thing I've done so far. I'm gonna miss it so much. I can't believe it's over and it hurts so bad. I showed mum and linda boston. we ate chinese in the prudential and then went up to the top of the hub to see boston in night lights. I've forced them to speak english cause I'm not ready to give that up yet, and I know my way around here and this is home.

I'm gonna miss hanging down at reception, teasing jason or getting called blondie by peter a.ka dr. cox. I'm gonna miss my bunkbed and the cookies in the cafeteria. I'm gonna miss to constantly have people around me. I'm gonna miss starbucks and walking to white hen. I'm even gonna miss walking up the fuckin hill to school and the crazy non-working traffic system here. I'm gonna miss wednesdays at porter's, invading liz's room, to eat brunch togheter, to stroll downtown, to see arnaud outside smoking, to get kisses on the cheeks from all the french and spanish people. I'm gonna miss lecture hall and walkin up to the fourth floor, even though I hate it. I'm gonna miss going to the movies, partying, sitting at pubs, going to resturant, my classes and my teachers. I'm gonna miss the hallways, passportassignments, the R.As, eliot and astrid, the view from my room, to walk around the neighbourhood, to see liz's squirrely face every day. I'm gonna miss fenway and mass ave and newbury street and ben&jerrys and urban outiftters. I'm gonna miss jason's guitar and go on planned or unplanned detours with liz. I'm gonna miss watching movies in liz's room, smoking by her window and just hang out.

beloved ones

I'm gonna have my dream someday, but fuck, it hurts until you have it.