night

I just got home from work. it's 4.22 am and the sun is rising. I'm so terrible tired after eleven hours as a waitress. I have food and booze all over me, my feet are the double size and my back is killing me. but it's something about it, the feeling when you're all so tired togheter, but you just keep on struggling with the dishes even though you feel like there is no end. and when you stumble out and take your bike home with lena through a quiet city. you feel alive.

we served the 19 year olds on their prom and I can't believe it's only one year ago since I were in the same position. partly because it feels like it was such a long time ago it never happened, but also because it feels like yesterday. that bittersweet feeling when you try to embrace it all and create a memory that will last. I never realized that after the first year after graduation, comes another year. and another one. and that they're all mine to do whatever I want with. life is so freakin' exciting I get shortness of breath.

lucky one with a lucky strike

but when the night is falling and you cannot find the light
if you feel your dream is dying, hold tight
you've got the music in you
don't let go, you've got the music in you
one dance left, this world is gonna pull through
don't give up, you've got a reason to live

oh, I've had the greatest days lately. me and anna turned 20 and we celebrated it big times. barbeque and preparty, spiderpig, kubb, picnic with my family, cake and o'learys. yesterday we met up at o'learys again. first me and caroline, with the usual update. then a lot more people joined us, we took pictures that mades us laugh so badly, and I just enjoyed the warmth and the light. finsihed the night with raspberries and icecream and sex and the city.


I have what I always wanted.
and a heart, pounding of love.

if I ever feel better

today's not my day. I overslept after a night of nightmares, and woke up with a headache and no time to eat. my bike didn't work and I got all stressed and late at work. but it's sunshine anyway, and tonight me and the best johan in the world are gonna drink tea in my livingroom.

and yesterday was a great day. sleep in, a 6 km run, elizabethtown and a motorcyclebike ride with my dad. then we had furniture party at anton and leffe's. they had ordered all of IKEA and we sat all evening trying to put them togheter. took funny pictures, swore over the impossible manuals, ate cinnamon buns and made their porch look like hell. just as I like it.

jason mraz - clockwatching
jason mraz - mr. curioustiy

(I do now. one month ago.)

good times

to have a two and a half hour coffe date with anna. one of those rare, great ones when you just can't stop talking. we discussed men, future and identity and agreed that life is just one big crisis. and that you're your own best friend. to eat cherry tomatoes and icecream at the movies while you're watching iron man. to walk downtown and uptown and everywhere just talking. to come home to a great roomie and talk about everything that's important in the sunshine at the balcony. to run in the rain and have a therapist that gives you the right looks. to drink tea and watch sex and the city till late in the night. to bake bread and get some help from your sweet teenage brother. to eat tacos with your family and fall a sleep on the kitchen sofa. to get an unexpected phonecall from liz and have a update with caroline. they're with me all the time even though we're apart. to eat soup and pancakes for lunch with kicki. to have home spa with massage, facial and footbath. to read veronika decides to die and read some things that strikes you so much you have to stop and underline it ("because of that she had never had enough energy to be herself, a person who, like everyone else in the world, needed other people in order to be happy".)

and when I'm old and look back, I will smile and say "good times".
sometimes family are the ones you'd choose
it's too late now, I hold on to this life I found

train - she's on fire
colbie caillat - battle

oh happy day

my weekend has contained work, no sleep and sunrise, the usual hanging at leffe and anton's, movies (I've seen my first Bond, and now I realize why I haven't watched it before) chinese food, icehockey, tea, a haircut made by danni, chill with my roomie and a gospel concert with my mum. (I talked to daniel lindström!) awesome!

now; sweatpants, tea, chocolate and prison break. aaaah

and happiness is always happiness. and plans never stick to what they are supposed to, so I re-arrange them or try to just not make plans, but the most important thing is that I feel that it doesn't matter, cause everything is gonna work out anyway.

shout out louds - please please please
carolina liar - I'm not over

rehab

my mum claims that I need rehab, so I spend my days off work at the countryside, sleeping, lying on the couch, getting massages, pick on my laptop, eating (a free refridgerator with an endless amount of food and swedish cooking skills is the shit) and sorting through pencils. yesterday, after my run, shower and facial, kicki came to visit. we ate and drove around and I showed her where I grew up. then we went for a 2 hour walk straight into the middle of nowhere in between conversations and silence. today I've had lunch with clara at NK. nice as always and we talked about mistakes, girls and mottos. I've talked to some of the best people in the world; caroline, danni, anna, linda and larissa, different length but all of them great, since they're so far away. and I woke up at 6.11 am this morning because of the best phonecall in the world. david got in to berklee this fall semester!!! I know what I'll be doing in october :)

now it's time for one tree hill and prison break.
it's a good day, a good week, a good month, a good year, a good life!

go with the flow

ah, soon I'm running out of words to explain this constant feeling that won't let me go. and I'm lovin it. my life is exactly what I want it to be and I spend my days chillin and hanging. it's an endless amount of people I love, sunshine, sex and the city, food (beach08), tea, conversations I love, my great parents, the countryside, hugs and excitment of what shall come.

life is easy, and crazy fun.

cause this is real, and this is good
it warms the inside just like it should
but most of all, most of all it's built to last

melee - built to last
takida - curly sue
breakin benjamin - forever
madonna&justin - 4 minutes
the script - we cry
coldplay - violet hill
shout out louds - tonight I have to leave it
soap stars - windowsill
red hot chili peppers - dozed

http://www.isala.bilddagboken.se/

god works in mysterious ways

my latest days have been grrreat. like everything seems to be these days. thursday I spent at my parents house; sleeping, running, driving. I got the most unexpected phonecall ever, but it resulted in something good. me and my best friend from my childhood took a long walk and sat by the lake and talked for hours. it strange what times does to you, but it's good. friday I had a free back massage and foot massage at a spa. the sun was shining and it was flashbacks from last year downtown. all the great people you love, and you just kept running into them. like one big happy family. me and kicki made a classical lisa-kicki dinner with potatoes, carrots and quorn. we ate on the roof in the sunset and talked about life. then she gave me a ride on her bike and my hair flapped in the wind and it was freedom all over. saturday I worked, 7 am to 2 pm. I' m so spoiled with the greatest job ever, the best colleague and the sweetest pensioners. afterwards I met oscar's mum elisabeth for coffe. we talked about everything and I got some great advice from someone with more experience than myself. she is so sweet and great. that night we had sex and the city-marathon at anton and leffes place. togheter with icecream and chocolate it was great. this morning we went up early to drive to IKEA. three hours later we arrived and took a picture outside the IKEA-sign when we formed our bodies to letters. we ate lunch before we ploughed through all of it and came out three hours later, a lot poorer. after a lot of consideration, breaks and advices we drove home. northern sweden is crazy beautiful. we listened to music, ate IEKA crackers, played the movie-game and stopped for hamburgers at MAX. and when you can't stop smiling, cause you feel that life is so woundrously great, you have to stop fighting.

and I've noticed that you can find love and family and togheterness everywhere. this is the weirdest, hardest, most fun year ever. I'm as confused as always, but it's in a different way now. it's a better way, with a bigger assurance that it's gonna be fine. I came home, and me and anna sat on the balcony with passion tea and cigaretts and talked in the lukewarm swedish spring evening. about people, about bounderies and rules, about the future and complications, about questions and feelings. later on danielle joined us and closed the circle.

it's a good life, and I'm so so happy.

across the universe

I'm sleepless. I've turned my sleeping habits around and now I'm restless and nervous and sleepless. I'm back in the countryside. I haven't been home this much in four years and I can't remember last time it felt this good. me and mum went for a walk in the evening sun in the forest. I'm in a good balance of spending fun time in the city and relaxing at my parent's house. weeks are a weird phenomena. they are passing by so quickly and surreal things happen and normal things happen, both in the same week. it never turns out the way it's planned, but for some reason it's good anyway. I miss EF.

across the universe soundtrack - I want to hold your hand
leona lewis - better in time
jack johnson - angel
soap stars - never there

welcome to the good life

ah, it's a good life! it's pre-summer-chillin' all night long. yesterday I worked, for the first time in four months. I love my oldies and I had more time off than actual work-time. then we drank tea at oscar's. gathered wonderful people and played with mini umbrellas. relocated to anna's (and from now on!!) my place. played cards and hurt each others hands, drank even more tea and ate cookies, talked about nothing, cooked macaronies in the middle of the night and played kubb 4.30 in the morning. today's a slow day, I picked up caroline after work and we went through our update list in the car, over dinner and in her bed. tonight we watched 28 days later in anton's kickass-sofa and ate candy. now it's time for guitar hero.


thought I couldn't live without you
it's going to hurt when it heals too
even though I really loved you
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too

it don't have to change

ah, my gang. we gather more and more and it's the best reassurance in the world to feel that some things doesn't have to change. tomorrow tea at oscar's and tuesday I have the whole day with caroline. sweet!

yesterday the weather was crazy good. I tanned all day and dozed off in the sun. went for a killing run and then I took the bus to the city. we practized kubb at danni's and then we bicycled to anton. we grilled (I was the grillmaster) marshmallows, sausages and pepper. played guitar hero and lit a soccer field with stickers and a stick and played kubb. fooled around and jumped and laughed. I hurt my shoulder when I fell over danni and then I fell backwards when I bumped into leffe. we attacked each other and took pictures and aah, swedish summernights! I love it.

today I've done nothing but sleeping, walking and talking. and everything's so good, here and there. it's all about making the best out of every sitatuion, and I'm getting better at it.
http://www.isala.bilddagboken.se/ 21 april -->

my list

things I've learnt or realized so far:

* that you can make anything happen
* that life is a crisis and a detour
* that you can eat chicken every day for four months and not get tired of it
* to believe
* that you can learn something from everyone
* that anxiety doesn't go away, it's something you have to learn how to handle
* that family exist everywhere
* that communication is the shit
* that you can make and achieve everything you thought was impossible
* to drink beer
* to appreciate peoples kindness
* that friendship is the most beautiful thing in the world, and that real friendship survives everything and anything
* that there is something called the american dream
* that prozac and alcohol is a bad combination
* that I kick ass
* that life is the best you've got
* that everything is gonna be alright

detours

today's a good day, even though I only slept three hours last night and have been falling alseep all day as soon as I've been sitting down. I've fixed work, an apartment and rehab. all afternoon and evening I've spent with linda and sara. we sat in the park, I ate swedish candy and caviar (!!) strolled around downtown, took crazy pictures, laughed, played kubb in the sunset, made a daim pie, looked at pictures and had a huge update (about sex, PIP (personal inner problems) and everything else you miss when you only see each other every four months)

then linda and me took the car home in the darkness with loud music as company. found a dad who needed furniture advice and 5 crazy teenage boys. ate meatballs and were silly in the bathroom. and I'm so freakin excited about tomorrow! I have the best friends.

paramore -when it rains

may

today's my mums birthday. after a morning of analysis, yogurt and chill I took the bus to the countryside. I've been practizing lying on the couch, just talkin' to my mum and my sister. everything feels so unnaturally natural and naturally unnatural. I think in english but I say it in swedish, and I dream and talk in my sleep. it feels like I've been gone forever, yet that I left yesterday. I'm like a kid on christmas eve, amazed and fascinated by everything, but mostly the food. its so good! chicken salad + cake= yummy! my parents are so incredible great and they're taking care of me. my mum gave me a massage and dad made phone calls. it's shocking and weird to be taken care of. tomorrow I'm starting with the whole progress of fixing my life. it's gonna go and be great.

justin timberlake - signs

all the small things

I'm home, wherever that is. after an endless flight and delays, I finally arrived on the best day to ever arrive back home. walpurigs night and amazing weather. my lovely lovely friends were waiting for me and gave me flowers and me and caroline had a very dramatic moment at the airport. she delayed her flight and I ran across it and we hugged like crazy. the first thing I got to do was to drive and we went to the supermarket to buy meatballs! then we hung out at danni's place, we ate swedish dinner and it was spring outside. we bicycled (!!) to campus to watch the fire and hear the perishers play. nothing is more umeå than that. then we met up anton and went to his new apartement. nice preparty, a jammed dancefloor at corona, and a bitter, funny afterparty with meatballs and dawn.

aaah, it was so much better to come home than I'd ever expected. the light, the streets, my people. damn, I've missed it.

my last days in boston were rainy, surreal and great. I don't know if I've ever succeeed in living in the now as I did then. I got to do everything that represents boston to me, and see everyone that means something to me. starbucks with christian, a crazy goodbye dinner with my sappy speech and peter hitting on my mum, a very good dinner, in many ways, with ralph, across the universe and real larissa/lisa time, quiznas with g, a visit to astrid, eliot and chris (astrid sung improvised love songs) one last party in the basement and then a sweet goodbye at the airport.

god, I love it.