last dance with mary jane

yesterday was the shop till you drop-day. we walked all of newbury street and I ended up with a black top, a dress, a golden purse, a grey skirt and 3 pair of earrings. material happines, oh yeah! then we were very touristic and went on a duck tour. basically a tour through boston and all it's history, both on land and on the charles river. our driver's name were sven the wiking, and that says it all. at night I took my sister, myself and my new dress to crossroads and met up with the frenchspeaking company. they're the sweetest guys in the world. jonathan's ass was free as always, we danced, I got cheezy pickup lines and me, arnaud and linda went bambooshka and me and jonathan practized how you best can pick someone up. awesome!

tonight's my goodbye dinner at cheesecake factory. I'm sorry for not being very good at keping in touch with you at home, but right now all my energy goes to trying to sleep and enjoy my last days here. I need to be here right now. my life is an open book. freakin scary and absolutely what I don't want, but at the same time it's a bit exciting. I have options to choose between, people are helping me out, and I got all the power. nothing's tying me down.

one more time to kill the pain

(I'll be in umeå 15.55 on wednesday)

save tonight

I've had a perfect day. larissa picked me up at 9 and we drove the three hours to connecticut without a single detour! we ate lunch at starbucks and strolled around yale campus and it's so incredibly beautiful. then we drove to cape cod, and we actually made it to cape cod, but not to the water. there can't be a trip without a detour or liz getting lost. but it was wonderful anyway. a lot of punchbuggy yellow, great music, update, flirting with other cars, my head or toes outside the window, crazy pictures and a particulary crazy video when we listened to accidentally in love. then I met up with mum and sis to eat at legal seafood in the prudential. the lobster was crazy, a cute waiter helped me with my lobster and another one carried around a 16 pund alive lobster. then I had my last night at porter bellys and it was unbelievable great. me, linda, mum, martine, merel, larissa and g shaked ass to a liveband and you know, it's just that feeling.


and fight the break of dawn

over fore it started

I don't have the energy to answer emails or questions or to explain. all I know is that I'll be home april 30. please be at the airport and hug me and never let go and say that everything's gonna be alright, cause right now I feel like the biggest failure in history. I've never before been at this place in my life, where I have absolutely no idea where to live, what to do, where to go.

my life has never been more surreal. to have a total blackout is scary. to wake up and to not know what's going on is scary. to walk around in a hospitalgown around people that have nothing and everything in common with you is weird and revealing . to cry as much as I cried today makes you tired. to pack down your room and realize how much you built in four months is hard. 4 months passed by so fast, yet it feels like a lifetime. everything has changed. I've cherished every day and this is still the best thing I've done so far. I'm gonna miss it so much. I can't believe it's over and it hurts so bad. I showed mum and linda boston. we ate chinese in the prudential and then went up to the top of the hub to see boston in night lights. I've forced them to speak english cause I'm not ready to give that up yet, and I know my way around here and this is home.

I'm gonna miss hanging down at reception, teasing jason or getting called blondie by peter a.ka dr. cox. I'm gonna miss my bunkbed and the cookies in the cafeteria. I'm gonna miss to constantly have people around me. I'm gonna miss starbucks and walking to white hen. I'm even gonna miss walking up the fuckin hill to school and the crazy non-working traffic system here. I'm gonna miss wednesdays at porter's, invading liz's room, to eat brunch togheter, to stroll downtown, to see arnaud outside smoking, to get kisses on the cheeks from all the french and spanish people. I'm gonna miss lecture hall and walkin up to the fourth floor, even though I hate it. I'm gonna miss going to the movies, partying, sitting at pubs, going to resturant, my classes and my teachers. I'm gonna miss the hallways, passportassignments, the R.As, eliot and astrid, the view from my room, to walk around the neighbourhood, to see liz's squirrely face every day. I'm gonna miss fenway and mass ave and newbury street and ben&jerrys and urban outiftters. I'm gonna miss jason's guitar and go on planned or unplanned detours with liz. I'm gonna miss watching movies in liz's room, smoking by her window and just hang out.

beloved ones

I'm gonna have my dream someday, but fuck, it hurts until you have it.

they say an end can be a start ||

boston is so beautiful. my head aches, my heart aches.
now I know how to ruin your life and dreams in 30 seconds.
now I know how it feels to be hospitalized.
now I know that I wanna live, even if I'm crying so much it feels like I'm gonna explode.
now I know how beautiful life can be, even if you're just rolling around in the grass.

and I'm so thankful for the four months I got and I'm gonna turn this around. it's gonna be good someday. and my last days here will be nothing but amazing.

I'll rise

today's a better day. there's been a feeling of harmony and peace, with a shining sun and blossoming trees. I went out for a run (third time this week!) along charles river in perfect weather and music. then I stretched at the lawn, took a shower, did a facial and painted my toenails. after dinner me and larissa went for a drive. lovely as always. after that athan's and I finally uploaded ALL the pictures from april. then in the middle of everything and nothing dave asked if I wanted to go to the studio. hell yeah, I said and we recorded undelivered message and there are no words for how good it makes me feel. it's just.. ah, amazing. hanging out in the studio, expressing everything you need to get out, and with your words, your voice.

www.myspace.com/lisaengstrm

jack johson - adrift
yael naim - new soul
just jack - writer's block
jack johnson - go on
gavin degraw - dreams

they say an end can be a start

it's been nearly two months since I last felt like this. this feeling of total hopelessness that it's not gonna get better. all my thoughts are killing me and I don't know what to do, where to go. there's a fine line between love and hate and there's so much drama around here. I can't get my mind around it. but I'm giving all my weapons away, cause I have to. and I'm gonna write that list of all the things that are good, cause otherwise I will drown in this pool.

- boston during springtime. it's so beautiful my heart aches.
- my friends, who happen to be the best in the world and seem to love me no matter what.
- to drive through boston by car.
- to discuss music with matt.
- eat brunch outside.
- the pour house and porter's and the few laughs it gave me.
- the sun, that have been shining constantly for one week now.
- the party last night. a lot of dancing and great people.


oasis - don't look back in anger
phoenix - if I ever feel better

sunburn

so, what do I got, that nobody can take away?
I got my hair, I got my head I got my brains, I got my ears I got my eyes, I got my nose I got my mouth, I got my smile I got my tongue, I got my heart, I got my soul I got my back,
I've got life , I've got my freedom I've got the life
and I'm gonna keep it
I've got the life
and nobody's gonna take it away

times like these

so. how do you explain the feeling of 70 degrees, to play bananagrams in class, to tan and sleep outside on the grass for two hours, to go for a run, to meet a new cool dutch dude that totally gets you and your sarcasm, to talk to my sister and to anna, to sit outside at lunchtime, to watch baseball with will and his friends at porter's, to watch 3 one tree hill and get totally hooked, to practise vocabulary in the morning outside in the sun on the stairs, to have the whole afternoon off and go downtown, walk newbury street and buy ben&jerry's and then hang out in public garden for several hours.

how do you explain the mixed feeling between happiness, anxiety, homesickness, joy, laughter, and that everything's so great you don't know how to express it? let me know if you know. all I know is that it's great. tonight we're gonna dress up, preparty and then dance. schoolparty for the first time in a long time, yeah!


holding hands - everything is a slippery slope from there!

pb and china

ah, another great night at porter belly's. and another great day with sunshine and a yellow summerdress. sleep in and errands and silly classes. then me, martine and liz at porters. me and dave played and I was so so happy. wine and darts and people and dancing. met an irish dude who taught me irish accent, met rachel and kyle and twisted. then we walked home, bought chinese food and got fortune cookies and we just laughed, laughed, laughed; at each other, at our silly jokes, at what rhymes on china. there's nothing greater.

and I'm getting better at answering the wrong questions with the right answer. and at communication, independence and to snap out of my anxiety.

class in six hours. yeah.

fabolous

this weather does something with me! I've worn my new blue summerdress smiling (almost) all day. today our class were so miserable that ann had mercy on us and took us to starbucks. then me and larissa laid outside on the stoneground and listened to just fine. I love short schooldays, I love taking the car to white hen, I love sitting outside for lunch, I love our bad internal jokes. I love I love I love.

the rest of the day I've spent in the studio. or more like on the roof of the studio, in a zillion degrees and with my ipod, elle, camera and homework. we ate chicken that dave had made and I sung background vocals to eliot's new song (just like) lebowki's rug. awesooooome! (check out www.myspace/eliotwilderdreams)

slap me some skin white soul girl!

focus

when a day contains tears, scary news, goodbyes, fights and sleeping trouble, you need to focus on the good stuff;

*jogging along washington street
*starbucks with fredrik
*sunset
*downtown&fenway
*waterfight with nathalie and her sweet drunken friendship
*to talk to my beloved mom, dad and little syster.
*letters and swedish chocolate.
*friendships that are kept stable over seas, through contries, busroutes and hallways. the ones you can always come back to, and you know they are there to back you up.

nada surf - your legs grow
sara bareilles - love song
third eye blind - semi-charmed life
mary j blige - just fine

time won't let me go

whenever I look back on the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for someone that I never knew
I am so homesick now for someplace I will never be



today is a slow wonderful saturday. brunch with maria, bonding with my new roomate, fire alarm and tanning in the sun. the weather is incredible (but very fluctuative), I love it I love it I love it.

www.bilddagboken.se/isala

(more to come)

love song

I learned the hard way,
that they all say things you want to hear
my heavy heart sinks deep down under you,
and your twisted words, your help just hurts
you are not what I thought you were
convinced me to please you
made me think that I need this too
I’m trying to let you hear me as I am

placebo

it turned out to be a really good friday. impulsive and varied, but with a good ending. I went swimming with eliot and astrid, and it's impossible to be down around her. we went for icecream at j.p. licks. astrid ate my vanilla and whispered "I love you" in my ear in the queue. then they invited me for dinner, we ate mexican and drank corona. I'm apparently astrids princess so we got married and she was a total clown at the dinnertable; called earlobs earlips and made up fantasy countrys. I just love the atmosphere there and all the love that is spread around.

then I went by fenway, nathalie lended me clothes and 33 hairpins and we drank coke and malibu in room 401. then I went to estate club with fredrik and met a bunch of ef dudes. we danced till house and it was great.

the last three hours I've spent in a cab, laughing to fredriks attempt to make jokes, out on the stairs in the rain and inside by the heater. talkin talkin talkin in swedish and learning a thing or two. and I guess it's like they say; we're all here to teach and learn.


- are you a girl, astrid? do you like being a girl?
- yes, but when I grow up I'm gonna be a boy.

it's a beautiful day!

ah, today it's been swedish summer weather with around 70 degrees fahrenheit (22 celsius) and sunshine. it was so lovely, I couldn't stop say it was lovely. people playing soccer outside, me and larissa in rogers park with vocabulary words, caesar salad for lunch outside for the first time, sitting on the grass talkin with fredrik for a long time, running around the lake and up to BC and just the feeling of the air. went to fenway after dinner, the air was so warm so it was to hot with a jacket. people were walking to fenway park and everything I love is in the air. me, sara, nathalie, martin, james, caroline, arnaud, kristin and sarai had free tickets to the showing of prom night, so we went to boylston. it was more of a comedy than a horror, but I enjoyed it and the police walked in and took some people out, which was pretty funny.

tuesday me and dave had drinks at porter bellys, wrote a song and then danced to reagge at the draft. yesterday me and arnaud watched the devils advocate and americas funniest homevideos. and class is getting better. yesterday we actually laughed ourselves through grammar and today we made advertisment posters for our own utopian community.

so this is how it's gonna be from now on?
yes (life is great and I'm so happy I want to cry)

evermore / never let you go

and I wonder how you feel about me too

today I love; one tree hill, larissa, A, Dr. Lal, to talk to oscar, danni and anna. (and for the first time I felt a small thrill about sweden)

today I hate; humanity

monday

I'm on a high, and everything just works out. yesterday we had brunch, and it was one of those that's just amazing, even if we're just sitting in the ef cafeteria. then starbucks, shower and study. later we watched 21 at boylston cinema. me, arnaud, maria, martine, james and merel. it was so unexpectingly great!! saw knocked up later, and laughed a lot.

and I realize stuff everyday. sometimes good, sometimes hard. but when people who only known your for a month can ask you questions that makes you stunned, I think you're onto something good.

and I've decided to let the time run out, cause if I don't I'm gonna get stuck in my own saftey bubble. it's time to move, cause there's no going back.

weezer - oh girlfriend

smiley faces

fridays are from now one the laziest day with sleep in and only one class. I was so bored. but then time finally turned four; I took my shower, ate dinner, said goodbye to sacha and went to fenway. we hung out with white wine and gossip in saras room and then me, nathalie, alexander and arnaud went to the estate club on boylston street. started out with international performances; everything from bodypainting to yoga to breakdance. it ended later after a lot of dancing, hickeys, shots, emily&john, lifesaver fruit taste, humming to love generation, pictures and a 2dollar pizza slice.

today I've been babysitting astrid and she's got my heart. 3 hours with her toys and books. then I went to quincy market and tried to make two hours pass. they did, after I took pictures, sat on a bench thinking and bought the most adorable dress from american eagle that I couldn't afford. but I couldn't resist it either, and the price was half off. then martine, merel, oscar, martin, latettia, caitlin and maria came and we had birthdaydinner for martine at dick's last resort. it's crazy. they have this thing about being rude, yelling and throwing things all over the place. it's difficult to explain but it's noisy, crowded and very very american. our waiter took of his tshirt and changed to a girls top and put in fake boobs and everyone who's celebrating their birthday gets a paperhat with a message. martines said "all I want for my birthday is a submarine. it's hard, long and full of seamen"

and it's spring, baseboll season, warm outside, people everywhere and just lovely.

glow

aaah, I'm so exhausted. me and martina walked the freedom trail today, in lovely springweather. the freedom trail is a walk through all of boston and you're following a red line (which me and martina had some troubles with..). it was awesome. we walked by faneuil hall and quincey market, which is so cosy with a lot of food, the harbour, north end, over the bridge to charlestown where we ended up at the uss constitution which is a 210 year old ship. really cool, but martina embarrassed me infront of the navy-dudes and they are so proud over the ship cause it stands for freedom and bla bla bla. we walked a lot, enjoyed a lot, talked a lot and martina took more pictures than I usually do.

and yesterday at porter bellys was great, as usual. different but good. before we hung out in liz's room, eating ben&jerrys, studying and writing the "how many guys I've kissed-list". it's the small things like that that makes me love it so much here.

now; sweatpants and vocabulary words.

april

my life here is starting to become a routine, a routine I really really love. and it breaks ever so often I need it to to still be exciting. class has started again and it is gonna take a lot of work this term. my new teacher ann is switching between being a good, efficient teacher and a bitch who is pushing all my wrong buttons. but I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get that A and frederik is supporting/pushing me in the right direction.

yesterday was a great day, with fun class and warm weather. I strolled around in boston during the evening and watched miss pettigrew lives for a day. it's just so so great. and later the rain was pouring down like hell and I stood outside looking up in the sky and there was thunder and lightning and I felt so happy.

tonight we're keeping up the typical wednesdayroutine; porter bellys!

what makes a good day

DAVID GOT IN TO BERKLEE!!!

this has been a great day, ever since david called me 12.05 this night with the news. my psychiatrist is awesome. she is sorting out every mess in my head. we watched finding forrester in class (that's not really a soupquestion, is it?). I have the greatest friends. (no further explanation needed, just that larissa and my friendship is outstanding). I talked to my beloved caroline for one and a half hour today and nothing makes me more happy. starbucks passion tea is my addiction. maria and I had a long update. went to café nation to study, and found three crazy dutches watching youtube and then we listened to birthdaycards at cvs.

and there is just so much love around.